howdy doody, rootie tooties

not a huge (content-wise) update here, but i finally finished the adult adhd assessment process this past week and turns out i am officially Built Different™. the (fantastically kind and helpful) psychologist that did the assessment gave me a diagnosis of “Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder primary inattentive type”, which pretty much tracks with my lived experience of… life, i guess. it was really kind of crazy to see the results. as my doctor explained, the biggest deficits we expect to see with adhd are in the realm of executive function. and sure enough, my scores in that area were a full two standard deviations below the others!

it’s one thing to know that you have trouble remembering where you put things, that chores are a struggle, and that somehow your car turns into a trash can a few days after cleaning it, but it’s totally different actually seeing the proof of why! i legit almost laughed out loud when i understood what that number meant. then i almost cried when i realized that it’s not my fault! i’d internalized the impossibility of having this condition since elementary school– my mom told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way i had adhd. and i believed her. the very idea of it seemed ridiculous! i’m not hyperactive! but i did know that there was something different about me compared to others. i never really felt like i fit in. now i know why.

and i really don’t share all of the struggles that many other adhders have. my mind, while it can be really hard to stay on task for any length of time, doesn’t switch between thoughts like flipping through tv channels. i typically have more of a blankness that takes over. you know when you look at a dove or a particularly dumb cat? you see those eyes just staring blankly and know that there’s nothing going on in there but a dvd logo bouncing around. that’s kind of what i’ve got. sure, i get a lot of thoughts in the day, but the ones that don’t stick around aren’t so much supplanted as disappeared. they vanish, typically without a trace!

i do share a good bit of other characteristics, though. for instance, i just learned about RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains quite a lot of my social anxieties. the extreme bouts of rage and depression that can come to me from a vaguely negative social interaction, for instance, are neatly explained by this. the intense fear i have of phone calls and my (perceived) inability to act normally during them; the difficulty i have making friends; the inexplicable need to run away from home when my wife is mad at me. these things, which i’ve variably attributed to trauma, introversion, anxiety, and other mental eccentricities can all instead fit into this new, perfectly-sized box.

of course, that doesn’t invalidate the other troubles i’ve had. it doesn’t magically wipe away those struggles or prescribe an easy fix. but it does identify a root cause. and knowing that, i can stop looking for reasons and start looking for solutions. it’s so liberating! and not even the fact that it fits in this box, but that other people experience this too! it isn’t just me! i’m not broken!

i’m not broken.

thank god.

now, in what i finally recognize as true adhd fashion, i have immediately started to hyperfixate on my newly diagnosed condition. i’ve started scouring for tips on how to manage it, useful apps that will keep me organized, subscribed to ADDitude magazine, checked out books, read articles! it’s been less than a week and, while i’ve only shared the news with my wife, adhd has become a part of my identity. i haven’t even talked about it with my therapist yet! regardless, i feel so much more comfortable in my own skin already. what a relief it’s been to have this unknown weight lifted from me. i hadn’t realized how long i’d been carrying it, how much it was affecting me, until a day or two after my final appointment. after work that day, i sighed and only then noticed how light i felt. not quite a new person. still me, just with a new perspective.

thanks for reading. until next time.